A Mark In Time
General Discussion => General Discussion => Topic started by: draad on November 03, 2008, 01:18:27 PM
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Jcser suggested a joke thread to cheer everyone up. I'll start with a clean one - apologies to Waterline Man!
Baptising an Irishman:
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk says.....................................................
"are you sure dis is where he fell in?" :D :) ;D
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;D
OK my turn. (apologies to men)
A woman has just given birth. The doctor tells her: "your baby is healthy but there is a little problem, it is hermaphroidite" (however you spell that)
"What's that?" asks the mum?
"well, it's both male and female, it's got the male equipment and the female's at the same time"
"You mean he's got a penis AND a brain?" replies the mum
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and following the Irish joke, here's a Welsh one. It's true story, that's why it's funny!
Officials in Wales mistakenly erected a road sign that read "I am not in the office at the moment" in Welsh after a translation mix-up. The sign originally said in English, "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only," but when Swansea Council officials sent it to be translated, they received an automated e-mail written in Welsh that read: "I am not in the office at the moment. Please send any work to be translated."
Unaware of the actual meaning of the e-mail, officials had the sign printed and put up near a supermarket, only realising their mistake when Welsh speakers pointed it out....
;D
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/18/20081101/tuk-welsh-road-sign-lost-in-translation-a7ad41d.html
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oh my, those are all good! the only thing I have in my head right now are knock knock jokes and elephant jokes. Give me a little time. (I know I suggested this, and I do have a few...soon.)
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Whats all this about the Irish jokes :D :D
Folowing the banking troubles al over the world, uncertainty has now hit the banks in Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.
Two aeriels got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was brilliant - Boom Boom!!
A Tortoise was mugged by 2 snails. When asked by the cops to describe what happened, the Tortoise sobbed "I can't, it all happened so quickly!" :P :P
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Those are good! I think we might need a poll at the end of this thread.
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What about this - nothing Irish here.
Subject: FW: What a woman
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. That is, until the ship sank!
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares into his eyes...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
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'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
.
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One for Dusty ;D ;D
Jock, from Aberdeen, appeared on
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Okay, here's one, a favourite, very stupid, and very old: A Japanese car company had developed a new car but couldn't agree on a good name for the line. They decided to make a contest of it and put it out worldwide for naming, and a German fellow won. "Sure, I name your cars for you. When do you want da name?" The Japanese officials asked him to have the name by the following Tuesday. " Toosday?" he yelled. "DAT SOON?"
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And another, no countries but England mentioned (and it's a good thing, down, Arthur!): An American soldier returning from the war is on a train in a European country. The train is crowded, and he cannot find a seat. The only seat available is being used by the pampered poodle of an aristocratic older woman. "Please, ma'am, can I have this seat? I'm very tired," the soldier asks respectfully. The woman looks him up and down and says, "You Americans! You are all so rude! My little darling is using this seat!" She turns haughtily away. The soldier makes another tour of the train to no avail. He returns to the older lady and asks softly, "Please ma'am? I'm very tired." "You Americans! You are not only rude but arrogant! No, my dog is using this seat!" The soldier makes one last tour of the train, and when he comes back he says nothing, reaches down, picks up the poodle and tosses it out the window. The older woman screeches, "My poor baby! Look what you have done! Is there no one here to defend my honor?" An elegant gent two seats back gets up, faces the soldier, and in a perfect English voice says, "You Americans seem to have a knack for doing all the wrong things. You eat with your fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and now, it seems, you've thrown the wrong b**ch out the window!"
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Here we go again!
A catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and Dusty were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
Dusty fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
Dusty said, 'Why can't they play at night?' ???
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(http://imagesource.art.com/images/-/Screw-You-Guys--C11755105.jpeg)
;)
Seeing as it's November I should wheel out my favourite Christmas joke -
Tampax are about to do a special "Two for One" offer. But be quick - it's only available over the festive period.
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Is that a misogynist joke, Dusty?
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Um, I don't think so, just a funny play on the word "period".
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Dusty, I was just goofing on you. How about another joke? Go ahead, an American joke!
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Phew, OK, you can't be too careful these days. American jokes? Hmm, I'll need to think. The only jokes I know are dirty.
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BTW, I certainly didn't mean offense to any of my German friends with my lame attempt at accent on that joke! One of my favourite bosses of all time was an eccentric guy from Austria who taught me a great deal about wine and who I loved to imitate ("Dis zink iss chust all full of chunk")...it's done with love but if it offends I'll lay off. :-\ :)(Pottel you okay with that?)
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It got a chuckle out of me, draad! even though I had to balance out the Carol I know whom I despise with the Carol I know whom I love!
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Okay, new joke. A lady goes to a new doctor, who after exhaustive tests declares she's pretty fit for her age. "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" she asks. The doctor thinks a minute, and says, "Do you smoke or drink excessively?" "No," she answers, "and I don't do drugs either!" "Do you eat ribeye steaks and barbeque?" he goes on. "No," she answers, "red meat is bad for the digestion." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, playing golf, hiking, or biking?" he asks. "Nope, none of those," she replies. "Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or have a lot of sex?" he asks. "No, I don't", she answers demurely. The doctor pauses, and after a moment says, "Then why the hell should you give a shit?"
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OMG how could I miss this thread! :o I don't have time now, but sure will be back reading next time! I can use some laughs! ;D
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v510/Fieneke2/Several%20subjects/TweetieIwuvyou.jpg)
Fieneke
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Here's another.
This about sums it up...
Whether Democrat or Republican...
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator
of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your
needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her
the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will
call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if
it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to
bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his
parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes
to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in
the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep shit!!'
;D
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Another.
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
;)
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An 87 year old lady came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and pushed her husband off their 20 story balcony, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your honour", she answered coolly, " I figured if, at 92, he could screw, he could fly."
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I thought I'd get this alive again :P :P
Who are the most decent people working in hospitals?
The "ultrasound" people ::).
Two women walking home from the pub after a few drinks get caught short & decide to stop in the local graveyard to go to spend a penny!!
The next day their husbands are talking to each other and one says worryingly to the other "I think my wife is cheating on me she came home from the pub last night with no knickers!!". "You think thats bad" said the other husband "my wife came home with a note in her knickers saying YOU'LL BE DEEPLY MISSED-FROM ALL THE GUYS AT THE FIRE STATION" :o :o
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Waterline Man, I think the first joke must be from Liverpool! ;D
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This is good!
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
Another!
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi, what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourette's Syndrome! - Now f**k off!'
Another!
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'
One more.
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies, 'You've got a bigger dick than your brother!!'
;D ;D ;D
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OK - I'll keep the thread going on my own if you want!
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky
Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a
firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around
in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and
held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of
her, butt- naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand 'Oh, good
grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D
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Glad you laughed.
Did wonder if it was a bit too rude to post but I had had a few glasses of wine and thought "what the hell!!".
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For you rollergirl!
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex..
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time..'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
;D ;D
sorry Waterline Man!
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;D I like the jokes draad, but I am sorry I am really miserable in remembering jokes, so no addition from my side ::)
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption :'(.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins :o! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal ::).'
One just for all you football worshippers :D
"John Terry is now making his own vodka"......he bottles it in Moscow ;)
I nicked a joint of beef from Tesco yesterday :o- the security man ran after me shouting what you doing with that? I said .......wait for it ......spuds,peas,a few chips and some gravy!!!!
& last for today!!
Two English "businessmen" were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be newly opened store on Oxford Street.As yet, the store wasn`t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick Paddy(Irishman all over the world) is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we`re selling lads."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Paddy walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Irish accent asked "What are ye sellin here boys ::) ::)?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We`re selling @rse-holes Paddy."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,"Jays boys keep at it ye`re doin well ........ ye've only two left!" ;D ;D
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V good
You men out there might relate to this!.........
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache." ;)
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Another!
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,
And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the privates as firmly as he could !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for Tarzan?'
Tarzan replied, ' me check for squirrel.'
;D ;D
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Look Mum I'm Scottish...
A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says "Look mum I'm Scottish".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that , go and tell your gran what you just said"
The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that , go tell your dad what you just said"
The boy goes to his dad and says "Look dad - I'm Scottish.
His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing. Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that , now how do you feel"?
The boy says - - -
"I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and I hate you English bastards already".
;D
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Waterline Man - c'est pour vous.
A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself. 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'
Hoping to find out, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan. 'Love to fly and it shows?'
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he thought to himself. 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.
He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said 'Smooth as silk?'
This time, the woman turned on him and said, 'What the f**k do you want?'
The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said..........
'Ahhhhh, Ryanair!' ;D ;D
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She was probably personally trained by Michael O'Leary ;D ;D
He's a breath of fresh air to the aviation industry though - he has it a bit like Elvis "its all shook up" ;D ;)
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Try this.
Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one
> of the classes.
> They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
> their meanings.
> The teacher asked Mr Brown if he would like to lead the
> discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
> So the Prime Minister asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'
> A little boy stood up and offered, 'If my best friend who
> lives on a farm is playing in the field and a tractor runs
> him over and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'.
> 'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident'.
> A little girl raised her hand. 'If a school bus carrying 50
> children drove over a cliff killing everyone inside, that
> would be a 'tragedy'.
> I'm afraid not' explained Gordon - 'that's what we would
> call a great loss'.
> The room went silent, no other children volunteered. Gordon
> searched the room.
> 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?
> Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand
> ...............
> In a quiet voice he said. 'If a plane carrying you and Mr
> Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and the plane
> was blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'.
> 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right, and can you
> tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
> 'Well' says little Johnny,'it has to be a tragedy, because
> it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably
> wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!' ;D
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> Why we love children...........
>
> 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
> dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
> 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
> innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
> didn't move'
>
> 2.. A small boy is sent to bed by his father
>
> Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
> 'What?'
> 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
> 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
> Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
> 'WHAT?'
> 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
> ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
> Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
> 'WHAT!'
> 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
>
> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
> finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy
> thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
> keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
> come in or stay out!''
>
> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
> her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
> a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
> 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
> 'The big sissy.'
>
> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
> children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One
> little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
> down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
> Is it your Easter Dress?'
> The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
> microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
>
> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
> came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
>
> She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
> I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
> 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
>
> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework..
> He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven .
> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
> The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
> 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
> 'Yes,' he answered.
> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
> teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are
> learning addition..'
> The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
> son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she
> answered,
> 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
>
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
> Little to her class.
> She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn
> the farmer.
> She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
> 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked
> the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl
> raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking
> chicken!''
>
> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
> Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
> say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School,
> and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I
> thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
>
> 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the
> boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
> too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
> asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
>
> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
> She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
> eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna
> get hair on your muffin.'
> She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
>
> Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
>
>
-
;D I like the jokes draad, but I am sorry I am really miserable in remembering jokes, so no addition from my side ::)
Draad, Val and all the others, I like jokes, BUT ............just like Ingrid I can't remember them! Besides the jokes I hear are in Dutch and it is hard to translate them! ;)
Another disadvantage is that I often don't understand jokes and when everybody finished laughing and thinking about it again, then I sometimes realize why it is funny! ;D.........Yeaahhh call me slow, my family and co-workers do it also! ;D
Fieneke
-
ANOTHER - MAINLY AIMED AT THE BOYS :)
> The Journey of Man
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits. ;D
-
One more.
A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said: 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.' ;D
-
Okay,as I'm Irish here's a few Paddy ones ;D
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey & the stewardess asked the Muslim if he
-
Try this.
WHY I HAD TO CHANGE HOTELS LAST WEEK
>
> Last week I checked into my hotel in London and was a bit lonely. I
> thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books
> like
> escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl
> calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
> She
> had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy
> hair,
> long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
>
> I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
>
> 'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.
>
> Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I
> hear
> you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me
> one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and
> what
> I really want is s*x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
> Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in
> your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover
> me in
> chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!
> Now, how does that sound?'
>
> She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
> line.'
> ;D
-
An oldie, but a goodie.
THIS JOKE CONTAINS SWEARING WHICH YOU MAY FIND OFFENSIVE!
You have been warned... ;)
There's this horny gorilla walking through the jungle. He hasn't had any sex for ages and is getting desperate. He sees a lion bending over a river, can't contain himself, runs up and shags the lion up the arse.
Just as he's finished he thinks "Oh no! What have I done? I've just fucked the lion up the arse!". Fearing his life, he runs off into the jungle.
The lion was understandably upset about being fucked up the arse and started chasing the gorilla.
Just then the gorilla saw a white hunter. The gorilla snapped the hunter's neck, chucked the body into the jungle, put on his hat as a disguise and sat down by his camp fire reading his paper.
A few moments later the lion appeared and said "Did a gorilla run through here?"
The gorilla replied "You mean the one that fucked a lion up the arse?"
The lion replied "Fuck me! Is it in the papers already?"
-
Michael Jackson has just announced his UK tour dates. They are:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Tom, aged 4
Ben, aged 6
Matthew, aged 5
and
Colin, aged 3.
-
Classic, has been duly stolen and I'm off to send it to everyone I know.
-
As its gone a bit quiet on this thread ........................... ::)
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Then some bas**rd poked me in the eye with a stick & they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'. :P :P :P
Why do highland men wear Levi 501 jeans?
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away ;D ;D :o :o.
-
Old one but funny if you,ve not heard it before.
GOT TO PEE
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe herself with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe herself with that. After the girls did their business they went home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said.. 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' ;D
-
One more.
Two nuns from a convent in a tough area of Glasgow are driving through a forest in Transylvania late at night.
A vampire jumps out of the trees and lands on the windscreen.
Sister Theresa is driving and swerves like mad trying to shake off the attacker.
She tries the windscreen wipers but still the monster hangs on.
Sister Mary is panicking "Oh what can we do Sister Theresa"?
It's a vampire" shouts Theresa, "show him your Cross"
So Mary winds down the window, leans out and Screams in the face of the
vampire............"Get aff ma F***** windscreen ya wee B******"!! ;D ;D
-
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
>>
>>
>>
>> (It's a beauty)
>>
>>
>> .
>> (wait for it)
>> .
>>
>> .
>> (Get your best Chinese accent ready)
>>
>> .
>> .
>>
>> .
>>
>> .
>>
"You not Nissan Main Deala?"
;D ;D
-
Ouch!
-
Try this Gayle. Strange that I can recognise this scenario.
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. ???
-
Good one, Gastroman!!!!! I can relate.... ::)
-
For you Waterline Man.....
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses...
He said no but he had told a donkey to fuck off once. ;D
-
For you Waterline Man.....
An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses...
He said no but he had told a donkey to fuck off once. ;D
Oh so sad ,draad :o :o
-
so naff it's brilliant! ;D
-
so naff it's brilliant! ;D
yep!
-
I think we share the same sense of humour Nat - naff is cool!
-
POTENTIALLY GOOD SLOGANS FOR T SHIRTS?
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
-
Ta DUM! ;D
-
Here's one for football fans everywhere:
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral
-
Ooooohhhh that is a great one Val! ;D ;D
I didn't have time yet to read all the jokes, but I am sure I will have a good time and laugh, ...........uuuhhhhh IF I understand them! :-[
Most of the time I am slow with jokes and after everybody else finished laughing, then I sometimes start because I understand why they laughed! ;D
Fieneke
-
Job Description
A young man goes into the Job Center in Manchester ,
and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some
more details?", he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting
the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the
women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully
wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that
they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of
-
Slightly racist - no offence intended.
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
Walked out into the lobby where he met President Obama.They shook hands,
And as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question
About what I have seen in America ."
President Obama said,"Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
There is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is
Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Lebanese on Star Trek."
.
.
.
.
.
.
President Obama laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and
Whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".
;D
-
It's someone else's turn now please. ;)
Why Men don't write advice colums...
Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
-------------------------------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Walter
;D
-
Found this one the internet:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:
-
I thought that I'd get this rolling again.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.In fairness how could anyone stoop so low :P :P
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet so I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
A cement mixer collided with a prison van in Dublin,people are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals ;D
An Irish worker was going through the customs to England, with a bag under his arm.
The Custom's officer Said, "I say Paddy, what have you got there?"
Paddy replied: "Got a suck Pig".
Custom's officer: I say, "I say Paddy, you have a pig, and what are you going to do with the pig"?
"Oh!" says Paddy; "Going to take him back to the boarding house in Birmingham, and feed him on scraps from the table; fatten him up and finally have some good bacon. Can't get good bacon in Birmingham."
Customs officer: "You're going to bring the pig back to your boarding house?
Paddy: "Aye, can't get good bacon there".
Custom's Officer: "What about the smell".
Paddy: "Oh! He's just going to have to put up with it, like the rest of us". ;D
-
& theres more!!!
On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,
"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr ? gerrr ? king!" :o :o :o
A Scot got a job in the wine and spirits department of Tesco but got sacked on his first day.Seemingly an english man walked in and asked him if he could recommend a good port & he said ''Yeah Dover, now clear off!'' :o :o :P
A groom went in to pay the priest after getting married, he said, "how much do I owe you, Father?" "Ah, give me what you think she's worth" the Preist replied. So the man, being a smart ass, gave him a euro. As he was walking out, the priest called out "hold on a minute," and gave him back 50 cent ;D ;D.
-
A lawyer boarded a plane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeding to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour. So shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand".
Needless to say, not one hand went up, and she took the crabs home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
;D
-
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,
Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob.
Women like that are hard to find.' ;D
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
For all you manu sc............................ :P :P :P
What's the difference between O J Simpson and manchester united ?
OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence :o :o!
What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of manchester united fans?
On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside :P :P!!
-
2 girlfriends, a blond and a brunette (of course) are out shopping one Friday afternoon, when the brunette spots her boyfriend coming out of a flower shop, his arms full with a huge bouquet of beautiful flowers. Shit, says the brunette, he's buying me flowers again. Don't you like flowers? asks her friend. Yes she replies, but everytime he buys me flowers, he expects the same thing from me, and I don't really fancy spending the week end with my legs up in the air, if you see what I mean. What? asks the blond, don't you have a vase?
-
;D ;D
LE
-
2 girlfriends, a blond and a brunette (of course) are out shopping one Friday afternoon, when the brunette spots her boyfriend coming out of a flower shop, his arms full with a huge bouquet of beautiful flowers. Shit, says the brunette, he's buying me flowers again. Don't you like flowers? asks her friend. Yes she replies, but everytime he buys me flowers, he expects the same thing from me, and I don't really fancy spending the week end with my legs up in the air, if you see what I mean. What? asks the blond, don't you have a vase?
Boom boom ;D ;D
-
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following a simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Chablis, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Kit-Kats, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!
;D
-
A Scotsman Is Drinking In a Inverness Bar.
He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just delivered a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scotsman just shrugs, "That's about average up here in the Highlands. My boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" and "Holy Shit!!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Scotsman returns to the bar. The barman says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that
weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The barman is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Scottish father takes a slow swig from his Glenfiddich and wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised".
;D We are big lads aren't we Dusty? (or is it wee Dusty?!)
-
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'
'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 but please carry on' ;D
-
I'll keep this thread going on my own if I have to!
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?" ;D
-
I like to read them but have never been able to tell jokes. So keep on going Draad :D
-
How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snow balls
-
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."
-
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated, Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. ;)
-
"Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken." :-\
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I received these 21 economic models from a leading financial expert. Thought you might like them.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, block all the roads and the channel ports, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two sheep.
The one on the left looks very attractive. ;D ;D ;D
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A blonde (why are they always blonde?) calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished? "
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box then
turns to her and says: - "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger,"
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax, let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,
"....let's put all the Frosties back in the box." :lol
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This is for Dusty and those others unfortunate enough to have an interest in Scottish football.
Boy is walking along Union Street in Aberdeen and a car pulls up.
Man says to him
" I'll give you
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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and
and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date
running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art
watch? What's so special
about it?"!
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be
broken because I am
wearing knickers!"
007 smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody
Thing's an hour fast."
;D
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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and
and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date
running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art
watch? What's so special
about it?"!
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be
broken because I am
wearing knickers!"
007 smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody
Thing's an hour fast."
;D
lol, we know that one in dutch too :D
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One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After
several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get
water is the toilet?
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A man is talking to his doctor.
"Everytime I have had sex with my wife, I am hearing some bad whistling in my ears".. he moans.
"What did you expect?" asked the doc surprised ---
(attention, folks, here comes the punchline...)
--- "Applause??"
Sorry... ::) :disbelief :disbelief
LE
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Thanks for joining in guys. Here's another.
A TEST OF YOUR MORALITY
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in London - there is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's "Muslim" cleric Abu Hamza, the hook handed guy, who stirs up racial hatred wherever he goes.
You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You have two options:
You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white? ;D
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Try this!
Subject: The Sheer Nightgown
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer
negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range
from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes
it home.. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,
put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll
do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the refund
for myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin......donations in lieu of
flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH
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As Arthur is flying solo,I'd better join in :o
Whats the difference between the volcano in Iceland & Cheryl Cole ::) ::)
.
.
.
.
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The volcano is still blowing Ash :disbelief :disbelief
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A man from such a devoutly catholic country too - have you no shame!
No :disbelief :disbelief :o
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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
;D
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Paddy the Scottish man :o :o was a contestant on who wants to be a millionnaire & had got to the
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Try this.
A little girl goes into a pet shop and asks
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and this.
" FATHER OF THE YEAR "
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "
.
.
.
.
.
.
He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. " :o
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One more.
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.. All was
quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
.
.
.
.
'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
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Here's a World Cup joke for you:
An Italian a Frenchman and an Englishman are watching the World Cup....
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It was just confirmed that Englands in flight movie on the flight home was "Out of Africa" :P :P
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Thanks for the contributions! This one made me laugh.
A THAILAND LOVE STORY
A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles - something she obviously loved doing.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"
"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine." :o ;D
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSdxqIBfEAw
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oh yeah, I love that one!
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Try these.
:In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
:One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and Jocks is not the correct answer.
:I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's ipod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
:George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven".
:My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker.
:There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Camberley but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
:You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
:A mate of mine has just told me he's sh*gging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"
:A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair".
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lol
don't get the last one though...
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symptoms = Simpson's - remember he's deaf!! Dozy girl. :disbelief
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arf arf arf ;D :disbelief I get it now, thank you Doctor