A Joke Thread To Cheer You Up!

[Love Expresso]

A man is talking to his doctor.
"Everytime I have had sex with my wife, I am hearing some bad whistling in my ears".. he moans.
"What did you expect?" asked the doc surprised    ---

(attention, folks,  here comes the punchline...)

---  "Applause??"


Sorry...

LE

[draad]

Thanks for joining in guys. Here's another.

A TEST OF YOUR MORALITY

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION:

You are in London - there is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.


The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...

You suddenly realise who it is... It's  "Muslim" cleric Abu Hamza, the hook handed guy, who stirs up racial hatred wherever he goes.

You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

 

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!


THE QUESTION:


Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.







Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

 



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[draad]

Try this!

Subject: The Sheer Nightgown
 
     
 
 
     A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer
    negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range
    from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
    Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes
    it home.. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,
    put it on, and model it for him.
 
 
    Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so
    sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll
    do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the refund
    for myself."
 
 
    She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
 
 
    The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
    iron it!"
 
 
    He never heard the shot.
 
 
    Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin......donations in lieu of
    flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH

[Waterline Man]

As Arthur is flying solo,I'd better join in

Whats the difference between the volcano in Iceland & Cheryl Cole
.
.
.
.
.
The volcano is still blowing Ash
 





 

[Waterline Man]

A man from such a devoutly catholic country too - have you no shame!

No

[superval99]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

[draad]

The Aisle Seat   

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of  London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.'  'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it.

When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.   
   
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
 

 
 

 

[Waterline Man]

Paddy the Scottish man was a contestant on who wants to be a millionnaire & had got to the

[draad]

Try this.

A little girl goes into a pet shop and asks

[draad]

and this.

" FATHER OF THE YEAR "

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "
.
.
.
.
.

.
He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

[draad]

One more.

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.. All was
quiet for a bout 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another.  They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 
.
.
.
.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[Rollergirl]

Here's a World Cup joke for you:

An Italian a Frenchman and an Englishman are watching the World Cup....

[Waterline Man]

It was just confirmed that Englands in flight movie on the flight home was "Out of Africa"

[draad]

Thanks for the contributions! This one made me laugh.

A THAILAND LOVE STORY

 

A  man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.

 

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles  -  something she obviously loved doing.

 

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?"

 

 

"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine."

 

[superval99]