A Joke Thread To Cheer You Up!

[draad]

Michael Jackson has just announced his UK tour dates. They are:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Tom, aged 4
Ben, aged 6
Matthew, aged 5
and
Colin, aged 3.

[dustyvalentino]

Classic, has been duly stolen and I'm off to send it to everyone I know.

[Waterline Man]

As its gone a bit quiet on this thread ...........................

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Then some bas**rd poked me in the eye with a stick & they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'.



Why do highland men wear Levi 501 jeans?
Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away .

[draad]

Old one but funny if you,ve not heard it before.




GOT TO PEE

 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had got over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe herself with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe herself with that. After the girls did their business they went home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife  was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
 
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said.. 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[draad]

One more.

Two nuns from a convent in a tough area of Glasgow are driving through a forest in Transylvania late at night.

A vampire jumps out of the trees and lands on the windscreen.

Sister Theresa is driving and swerves like mad trying to shake off the attacker.
She tries the windscreen wipers but still the monster hangs on.
Sister Mary is panicking "Oh what can we do Sister Theresa"?

It's a vampire" shouts Theresa, "show him your Cross"

So Mary winds down the window, leans out and Screams in the face of the
vampire............"Get aff ma F***** windscreen ya wee B******"!!

[draad]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
 

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

 

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,  shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
>>
>>
>>
>> (It's a beauty)
>>
>>
>> .
>> (wait for it)
>> .
>>
>> .
>> (Get your best Chinese accent ready)
>>
>> .
>> .
>>
>> .
>>
>> .
>>
"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

 
 

[gbobmi]

Ouch!

[draad]

Try this Gayle. Strange that I can recognise this scenario.

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

 

 

 

[gbobmi]

Good one, Gastroman!!!!! I can relate....

[draad]

For you Waterline Man.....

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses...
He said no but he had told a donkey to fuck off once. 

[Waterline Man]

For you Waterline Man.....

An Irishman applying for a job as a blacksmith was asked if he had any
experience shoeing horses...
He said no but he had told a donkey to fuck off once. 

Oh so sad ,draad

[draad]

so naff it's brilliant!

[Rollergirl]

so naff it's brilliant!

yep!

[draad]

I think we share the same sense of humour Nat - naff is cool!

[draad]

POTENTIALLY GOOD SLOGANS FOR T SHIRTS?

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians. 
 
   
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false. 

   
In Memoriam
 
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

 

 
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food. 

 
   
 
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch. 

 
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol. 

 
   


   
Corduroy pillows are making headlines! 

   
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.