A Joke Thread To Cheer You Up!

[gbobmi]

Ta DUM!

[superval99]

Here's one for football fans everywhere:



A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final.

As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral
 

 

[Fieneke2]

Ooooohhhh that is a great one Val! 

I didn't have time yet to read all the jokes, but I am sure I will have a good time and laugh, ...........uuuhhhhh IF I understand them!   

Most of the time I am slow with jokes and after everybody else finished laughing, then I sometimes start because I understand why they laughed! 

Fieneke

[draad]

Job Description
 
A young man goes into the Job Center in Manchester ,
and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some
more details?", he asks the clerk.
 
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting
the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the
women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully
wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and
gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that
they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
 
There's an annual salary of

[draad]

Slightly racist - no offence intended.



The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and
Walked out into the lobby where he met President Obama.They shook hands,
And as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question
About what I have seen in America ."

President Obama said,"Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it
There is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is
Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Lebanese on Star Trek."
.
.
.
.
.
.

President Obama laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and
Whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".

 

[draad]

It's someone else's turn now please.

Why Men don't write advice colums...

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

-------------------------------


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.


Walter
 
 
 

[JeroenvG]

Found this one the internet:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator:

[Waterline Man]

I thought that I'd get this rolling again.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.In fairness how could anyone stoop so low

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet so I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

A cement mixer collided with a prison van in Dublin,people are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

An Irish worker was going through the customs to England, with a bag under his arm.
The Custom's officer Said, "I say Paddy, what have you got there?"
Paddy replied: "Got a suck Pig".
Custom's officer: I say, "I say Paddy, you have a pig, and what are you going to do with the pig"?
"Oh!" says Paddy; "Going to take him back to the boarding house in Birmingham, and feed him on scraps from the table; fatten him up and finally have some good bacon. Can't get good bacon in Birmingham."
Customs officer: "You're going to bring the pig back to your boarding house?
Paddy: "Aye, can't get good bacon there".
Custom's Officer: "What about the smell".
Paddy: "Oh! He's just going to have to put up with it, like the rest of us". 

[Waterline Man]

& theres more!!!

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr ? gerrr ? king!" 

A Scot got a job in the wine and spirits department of Tesco but got sacked on his first day.Seemingly an english man walked in and asked him if he could recommend a good port & he said ''Yeah Dover, now clear off!''

A groom went in to pay the priest after getting married, he said, "how much do I owe you, Father?" "Ah, give me what you think she's worth" the Preist replied. So the man, being a smart ass, gave him a euro. As he was walking out, the priest called out "hold on a minute," and gave him back 50 cent .

[draad]

A lawyer boarded a plane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeding to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.  Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.  So shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand".

Needless to say, not one hand went up, and she took the crabs home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1.         Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2.         Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
 

[draad]

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.




Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish,

Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You better think it over, Bob.

Women like that are hard to find.'
 

 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[Waterline Man]

For all you manu sc............................

What's the difference between O J Simpson and manchester united ?
OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence !

What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of manchester united fans?
On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside  !!

[Rollergirl]

2 girlfriends, a blond and a brunette (of course) are out shopping one Friday afternoon, when the brunette spots her boyfriend coming out of a flower shop, his arms full with a huge bouquet of beautiful flowers. Shit, says the brunette, he's buying me flowers again. Don't you like flowers? asks her friend. Yes she replies, but everytime he buys me flowers, he expects the same thing from me, and I don't really fancy spending the week end with my legs up in the air, if you see what I mean. What? asks the blond, don't you have a vase?

[Love Expresso]

 

LE

[Waterline Man]

2 girlfriends, a blond and a brunette (of course) are out shopping one Friday afternoon, when the brunette spots her boyfriend coming out of a flower shop, his arms full with a huge bouquet of beautiful flowers. Shit, says the brunette, he's buying me flowers again. Don't you like flowers? asks her friend. Yes she replies, but everytime he buys me flowers, he expects the same thing from me, and I don't really fancy spending the week end with my legs up in the air, if you see what I mean. What? asks the blond, don't you have a vase?

Boom boom