A Joke Thread To Cheer You Up!

[draad]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following a simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Chablis, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Kit-Kats, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos,and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now!



 

[draad]

A Scotsman Is Drinking In a Inverness Bar.

He gets a call on his cell phone.  He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just delivered a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scotsman just shrugs, "That's about average up here in the Highlands.  My boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of  "WOW!" and "Holy Shit!!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Scotsman returns to the bar.  The barman says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that

weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.  We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."  The barman is puzzled and concerned. "What happened?  He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Scottish father takes a slow swig from his Glenfiddich and wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....



"We had him circumcised".



  We are big lads aren't we Dusty? (or is it wee Dusty?!)

[draad]

A group  of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field  trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.  When it  was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls  would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.   

The  teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when  one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the  urinal.  Having  no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began  hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow  away from their clothes.

 As she  lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.  Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in  year four.' 










'No,  madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15 but please carry on' 

[draad]

I'll keep this thread going on my own if I have to!



It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"






Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?" 

[ingridswing]

I like to read them but have never been able to tell jokes. So keep on going Draad 

[JeroenvG]

How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?







Snow balls

[JeroenvG]

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

[draad]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated, Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?'




And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 

[draad]

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only 
 

the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
gave it my all; right there on the kitchen, table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"



She explained, "The egg timer's broken." 
 
 

[draad]

I received these 21 economic models from a leading financial expert.  Thought you might like them.
 

 

 SOCIALISM

 You have 2 cows.

 You give one to your neighbour.

 

 COMMUNISM

 You have 2 cows.

 The State takes both and gives you some milk.

 

 FASCISM

 You have 2 cows.

 The State takes both and sells you some milk.

 

 NAZISM

 You have 2 cows.

 The State takes both and shoots you.

 

 BUREAUCRATISM

 You have 2 cows.

 The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

 

 TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

 You have two cows.

 You sell one and buy a bull.

 Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

 You sell them and retire on the income.

 

 SURREALISM

 You have two giraffes.

 The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

 

 AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

 Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

 

 ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM   

 You have two cows.

 You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

 The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

 You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

 No balance sheet provided with the release.

 The public then buys your bull.

 

 A FRENCH CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You go on strike, organize a riot, block all the roads and the channel ports, because you want three cows.

 

 A JAPANESE CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

 You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

 

 A GERMAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

 AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

 You decide to have lunch.

 

 A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You count them and learn you have five cows.

 You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

 You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

 You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

 A SWISS CORPORATION

 You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

 You charge the owners for storing them.

 

 A CHINESE CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You have 300 people milking them.

 You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

 You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

 

 AN INDIAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 You worship them.

 

 A BRITISH CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 Both are mad.

 

 AN IRAQI CORPORATION

 Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

 You tell them that you have none.

 No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.

 You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

 

 AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

 You have two cows.

 Business seems pretty good.

 You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

 A WELSH CORPORATION

 You have two sheep.

 The one on the left looks very attractive. 

 _______________________________________________

 

[draad]

A blonde (why are they always blonde?) calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when its finished? "

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box then

turns to her and says: - "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not

going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger,"

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax, let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed,



"....let's put all the Frosties back in the box." 

[draad]

This is for Dusty and those others unfortunate enough to have an interest in Scottish football.



Boy is walking along Union Street in Aberdeen and a car pulls up. 
 Man says to him



" I'll give you

[draad]

 A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and
and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date
 running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art
watch? What's so special
about it?"!

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be
 broken because I am
wearing knickers!"

007 smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody
Thing's an hour fast."

 

[Dutchessy]

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and
and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, and then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date
 running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art
watch? What's so special
about it?"!

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

The woman giggles and replies," Well it must be
 broken because I am
wearing knickers!"

007 smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody
Thing's an hour fast."

 

lol, we know that one in dutch too

[ingridswing]

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.  After
several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'  My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get
water is the toilet?