A Joke Thread To Cheer You Up!

[ingridswing]

  I like the jokes draad, but I am sorry I am really miserable in remembering jokes, so no addition from my side 

[Waterline Man]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption .
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins  ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal .'


One just for all you football worshippers

"John Terry is now making his own vodka"......he bottles it in Moscow


I nicked a joint of beef from Tesco yesterday  - the security man ran after me shouting what you doing with that? I said .......wait for it ......spuds,peas,a few chips and some gravy!!!!


& last for today!!

Two English "businessmen" were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be newly opened store on Oxford Street.As yet, the store wasn`t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick Paddy(Irishman all over the world) is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we`re selling lads."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Paddy walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Irish accent asked "What are ye sellin here boys ?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We`re selling @rse-holes Paddy."

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,"Jays boys keep at it ye`re doin well ........ ye've only two left!"

[draad]

V good

You men out there might relate to this!.........



A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
 
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. 
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet, grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.  He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
 
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
 
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
 
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
 
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
 
"Now. Tell him you have a headache." 


 

[draad]

Another!

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,

And during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex?

'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said 'Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, ' Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

'Here' she said,pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the privates as firmly as he could !

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed ' What did you do that for Tarzan?'

Tarzan replied, ' me check for squirrel.'

 




 

 

 

[draad]

Look Mum I'm Scottish...


A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says "Look mum I'm Scottish".

She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that ,  go and tell your gran what you just said"
 

The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ".

She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that , go tell your dad what you just said" 

The boy goes to his dad and says "Look dad - I'm Scottish.

His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing. Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that , now how do you feel"?

The boy says - - -

 "I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and I hate you English bastards already".

 
 

 

 

[draad]

Waterline Man - c'est pour vous.

A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself. 'Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.'

Hoping to find out, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan. 'Love to fly and it shows?'

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he thought to himself. 'Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta.'

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. So he leaned towards her again and said, 'Something special in the air?'

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally scratched Singapore Airlines off his list.

He thought 'Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...' and said 'Smooth as silk?'

This time, the woman turned on him and said, 'What the f**k do you want?'

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said..........


'Ahhhhh, Ryanair!' 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

[Waterline Man]

She was probably personally trained by Michael O'Leary

He's a breath of fresh air to the aviation industry though - he has it a bit like Elvis "its all shook up"

[draad]

Try this.

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school and he visited one
> of the classes.
> They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
> their meanings.
> The teacher asked Mr Brown if he would like to  lead the
> discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
>  So the Prime Minister asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'
>  A little boy stood up and offered, 'If my best friend who
> lives on a  farm is playing in the field and a tractor runs
> him over  and kills  him, that would be a 'tragedy'.
>  'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident'.
> A little girl raised her hand. 'If a school bus carrying 50
> children drove over a cliff killing everyone inside, that
> would be a 'tragedy'.
> I'm afraid not' explained Gordon -  'that's what we would
> call a great loss'.
> The room went silent, no other children volunteered. Gordon
> searched the room.
> 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a 'tragedy'?
> Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand
>  ............... 
> In a quiet voice he said. 'If a plane carrying you and Mr
> Darling was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and the plane
> was blown to smithereens, that would be a 'tragedy'.
> 'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right, and can you
> tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
>  'Well' says little Johnny,'it has to be a tragedy, because
> it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably
> wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!' 

[superval99]

> Why we love children...........
>
> 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
> dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
> 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child
> innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
> 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it
> didn't move'
>
> 2.. A small boy is sent to bed by his father
>
> Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
> 'What?'
> 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
> 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
> Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
> 'WHAT?'
> 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
> ' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
> Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
> 'WHAT!'
> 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
>
> 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
> finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy
> thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and
> keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
> come in or stay out!''
>
> 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
> her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with
> a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
> The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
> 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
> A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
> 'The big sissy.'
>
> 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
> children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One
> little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat
> down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.
> Is it your Easter Dress?'
> The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
> microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
>
> 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
> came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
>
> She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
> I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
> 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
>
> 7. A little boy was doing his math homework..
> He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven .
> Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
> His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
> The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
> 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
> 'Yes,' he answered.
> Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you
> teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are
> learning addition..'
> The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that
> son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she
> answered,
> 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
>
> 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
> Little to her class.
> She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn
> the farmer.
> She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
> 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked
> the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl
> raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking
> chicken!''
>
> The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
>
> 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
> Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
> say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School,
> and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I
> thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
>
> 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the
> boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're
> too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and
> asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
>
> 11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
> She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
> eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna
> get hair on your muffin.'
> She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
>
> Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
>
>

[Fieneke2]

I like the jokes draad, but I am sorry I am really miserable in remembering jokes, so no addition from my side 

Draad, Val and all the others, I like jokes, BUT ............just like Ingrid I can't remember them! Besides the jokes I hear are in Dutch and it is hard to translate them! 

Another disadvantage is that I often don't understand jokes and when everybody finished laughing and thinking about it again, then I sometimes realize why it is funny!  .........Yeaahhh call me slow, my family and co-workers do it also! 

Fieneke

[draad]

ANOTHER - MAINLY AIMED AT THE BOYS

> The Journey of Man 

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
 
 When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided  I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

 In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything  was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened  suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.


 When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally  predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that  I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did  mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but had no direction. So I decided to  find a girl with some real ambition. 


When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted  firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced  me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits. 


 

[draad]

One more.

A guy is 85 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,  'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see any one.    He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'  He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.   The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then, kiss me   and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it   up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?   I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said:  'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

 

[Waterline Man]

Okay,as I'm Irish here's a few Paddy ones

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey & the stewardess asked the Muslim if he

[draad]

Try this.

WHY I HAD TO CHANGE HOTELS LAST WEEK
>
> Last week I checked into my hotel in London and was a bit lonely. I
> thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books
> like
> escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl
> calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
> She
> had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy
> hair,
> long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!
>
> I figured, what the heck, give her a call.
>
> 'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy.
>
> Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. 'Hi, I
> hear
> you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me
> one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and
> what
> I really want is s*x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.
> Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in
> your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover
> me in
> chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything!
> Now, how does that sound?'
>
> She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside
> line.'
>

[dustyvalentino]

An oldie, but a goodie.

THIS JOKE CONTAINS SWEARING WHICH YOU MAY FIND OFFENSIVE!

You have been warned... 

There's this horny gorilla walking through the jungle. He hasn't had any sex for ages and is getting desperate. He sees a lion bending over a river, can't contain himself, runs up and shags the lion up the arse.

Just as he's finished he thinks "Oh no! What have I done? I've just fucked the lion up the arse!". Fearing his life, he runs off into the jungle.

The lion was understandably upset about being fucked up the arse and started chasing the gorilla.

Just then the gorilla saw a white hunter. The gorilla snapped the hunter's neck, chucked the body into the jungle, put on his hat as a disguise and sat down by his camp fire reading his paper.

A few moments later the lion appeared and said "Did a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla replied "You mean the one that fucked a lion up the arse?"

The lion replied "Fuck me! Is it in the papers already?"